Hi! Mr. Monte here.

This afternoon does not find me as the usual somewhat acerbic and domineering feline that you have come to know and love. No, today I am filled with apprehension and concern over what I shall write in my Valentine’s Day card to me dear, sweet Miss Fleur. Oh how I have dreaded this moment.

The dread has reached such levels, that I even broached the topic with Ol’ Fuzz Face as he was grooming me this morning. Fuzzy didn’t laugh at me as I thought he might. He acknowledge that there was a time when he too was unable to cope with the very same fear.

That is when he told me that there was someone in the family who is very wise when it comes to concerns of the heart. He is so wise that he wrote The Manual of Guy, which has helped countless thousands with similar fears. He goes by the pen name Mr. Wiser.

Taking the email address that Fuzzy gave me, I wrote the following to Mr. Wiser. I figured it would be rather awkward to explain that I was a Maine Coon cat with fantastic typing skills. So I told him that I was a guy.

Q. Mr. Wiser, I am a guy with a recently acquired an awesome chick. I know that, just like ferns and puppies, special care is needed so that she may flourish. Any tips? – – Signed: Mr. Anonymous

A. Mr. Anonymous, a good woman is a terrible thing to waste. The Manual of Guy is very sketchy on “women maintenance,” so I’ll see what I can do to fill in the gaps. Here is my main rule of thumb:

The best thing for a good woman is a good man. Please notice that I refrained from the use of the word “guy” in this rule. Any male can easily be a “guy,” but it takes extra work to be a man. Yeah, you can still have some guy-like traits, but in essence you need to be 103% man, at least.

What, then, is a man? I cannot define this precisely, though I can give a couple of comparisons. A guy is strong enough to impress his friends, while a man is strong enough not to. A guy could die for his chick, while a man lives his entire life for her. A guy tries to live up to an image, while a man tries to be an image to be lived up to. A man is humble, yet capable, strong, yet compassionate, and, most of all, he knows his limitations and attempts to surpass them through the grace of God.

I have to admit that Mr. Wiser gave some pretty good advice. I also have to admit that Ol’ Fuzz Face did a great job of pointing me in the right direction. I guess some times we guys, or should I say men (and cats), have to stick together.

So, here’s what I will write in the card:

My Dearest Miss Fleur,

Meeowww! Meeowww! Meeowww!

Your loving admirer,

Mr. Monte

OK folks, you didn’t really think that I would share with you something so intimate as my heartfelt words to Miss Fleur.

P.S. Just to let Miss Fleur know how sensitive I am, I included a picture of a cuddly little animal.

Happy Valentine’s Day!