Dear Reader, please note that I submitted this report to Old Fuzz Face within 24 hours of Admiral Sister-in-law’s departure. He, however has been malingering, lollygagging, and skylarking and missed his publishing deadline by several days. Also note, that he frequently alters my reports and adds pictures that are demeaning to my character and dignity. I can only hope that you understand my work is normally flawless, and often even better than that. Fuzz Face has a way of making me look bad. Despite all that, I miss Admiral Sister-in-law and hope that she will return soon. – Mr. Monte
Memorandum for the Record: I, Mr. Monte, Chief Security Guard and Master of Protocol and Ceremonies for Serendipity Farmhouse, hereby submit my formal report on the departure of Admiral Sister-in-law on May 12, 2018. In accordance with OPNAVINST 1710.7A, 15 Jun 2001 and subsequent changes, I directed and/or personally rendered “The honors prescribed for an official visit … on departure as follows:”
a. The rail shall be manned, if required.
Because Old Fuzz Face was too busy eating his grits and making small talk, I personally “felined” the rail.
b. “Attention” shall be sounded as the visitor arrives on the quarterdeck.
I not only called “attention”, I also rubbed Admiral Sister-in-law’s legs and let her pet me.
c. At the end of leave taking, the guard shall present arms, all persons on the quarterdeck shall salute and the ruffles and flourishes, followed by the music, shall be rendered. As the visitor enters the line of side boys, he or she shall be piped over the side.
This was the most elaborate part of the ceremony. My actions were:
- In presenting arms, I fully extended all 24 of my claws (specially sharpened and polished for this occasion), and opened my jaws, displaying a mouthful of teeth. I must admit, it was an impressive display.
- All members of SFH did render salutes, although Fuzz Face was rather slovenly dressed and incapable of saluting in proper fashion.
- SFH lacks a formal marching band, so I purred four times and followed that with the requisite number of meows. (It was readily apparent, that Admiral Sister-in-law took note of my performance. I’m certain that, immediately upon return to her command, she started the paperwork for a medal and letter of commendation for me.)
- Once again, I have to state for the record that Old Fuzz Face’s idea of being a “side boy” is akin to a bunch of school boys waiting in line for the lavatory and acting up when teacher isn’t looking. He needs to be “squared away”.
- I “piped” Admiral Sister-in-law “over the side” by performing an amazing feline vocalization filled with heartfelt sentiment.
After my excellent performance rendering honors and Admiral Sister-in-law’s departure, I was finally able to stand at ease and take a well-deserved rest.
Visit Discrepancies: Upon review of the recent Admiral Sister-in-law visit, a number of unpardonable discrepancies were noted. I hereby request that the culpable parties take immediate measures to ensure that these offenses are never repeated.
- Demeanor & Decorum: In my view, Fuzz Face and the big female cat did not render honors with the care and demeanor required. I strongly recommend that they be reprimanded for their weakness in understanding and adherence to protocol.
- Precedence: While it is understood that Admiral Sister-in-law has seniority over the big female cat, she was not the highest ranking officer on board SFH. That honor is vested in me and me alone. Therefore, it was absolutely unforgivable that Admiral Sister-in-law was given MY bedroom during her visit.
- Practices Dangerous to Security: Based on my rank and my duties as Chief Security Guard, there is no reason whatsoever that any compartment or room in SFH should be “off limits” to me. It is essential that I have universal access to all spaces in order to ensure safety. During Admiral Sister-in-law’s visit there were several times when I was not granted access to bedrooms and bathrooms. – This must be corrected prior to her next visit.
I take personal pride in keeping things “ship shape” here at Serendipity Farmhouse. So, you can well understand why I was so deeply shamed by the poor performance of the two big cats upon Admiral Sister-in-law’s departure. These pictures give some sense of my shock and mortification.