Hi! Mr. Monte here!

To my 23,417 feline followers, especially my many cat cousins residing in Virginia and Ohio, my primary duty here at Serendipity Farmhouse (SFH) is to protect the lives and ensure the safety of all humans who reside in or visit this vast 1.203-acre SFH estate. Because the estate is located along the North Fork of the Thornton River, there is abundant wildlife and no shortage of nuisance animals. Some of those creatures are potentially dangerous and are not welcomed here. Others are relatively benign, but they are capable of disturbing the tranquility that is a hallmark of SFH.

This past week, Grandsons #2 and #4 visited SFH with the purpose of assisting Ol’ Fuzz Face move two cords of firewood from the driveway to the woodshed. A second purpose of their visit was to partake in ample portions of Granny Blondie’s home cooking. Being wise and conscientious grandsons, their very first act upon arriving at SFH was to report to yours truly the SFH Chief of Security. I presented the mandatory security briefing and they, being so impressed by my presentation, volunteered to be deputized as SFH Security Officers. One of their duties was to maintain a detailed and accurate log of events pertaining to SFH security.

Following are excerpts of text and artist’s renditions from their log with amplification and clarification based on my official records along with photos from the ultramodern and extensive SFH security surveillance system:

To: SFH Chief of Security

While we were working, we encountered some unusual and, in some cases, slightly concerning forms of wildlife. The first of these was a snake with a distinct pattern, that we believe to have been a pine snake [Pituophis melanoleucus]. At the time it was discovered however, not knowing what kind of snake it was, there was certainly cause for concern and alarm. [Grandson #4 had picked up a log to place it in the wood cart and was startled when the snake began to move. He dropped the log, and the snake slowly made its way toward the river.]

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This concern was increased, when sometime later [the next morning], our grandfather was attacked by another such creature, who had positioned itself atop the doorway of the barn. [I was watching from the porch and saw the snake drop from the top of the door and pass just in front of Fuzzy’s face as it fell to the ground at his feet. Knowing that he was in sight of his grandsons, he uncharacteristically did not scream and made his best attempt to act in a manly fashion. This was utterly hilarious as seen from my vantage point because it was clear to me that he was scared beyond description. – Fuzzy, removed the snake with a shovel, warning his grandsons to be ever on the lookout for more snakes.]

Another critter was later found inside of the woodpile, a coal skink. [Plestiodon anthracinus] It was harmless and scurried up a tree when it was uncovered. [Once again, it was Grandson #4 who found the critter. He has an uncanny knack for finding nuisance critters. In just a short period of time, he surpassed the achievements of some of my permanent security officers.]

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Our Grandfather also brought our attention to the skeleton of a zombie raccoon. And while this one had met its fate, there are apparently more in the area. We were fortunate to not run into the wild zombie raccoons while we were trapped in the woodshed by a sudden downpour of rain. [The zombie raccoons in question were suffering from baylisascaris, a genus of roundworms that infects many animals including raccoons. I described the symptoms to the grandsons and advised them to steer clear of these poor infected creatures for reasons of personal safety.]

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The level of security inside the SFH, as well as the ECDM [El Camino Del Monte] RV was impressive however, and while the outdoors was chaotic at times, we both more than enjoyed our stay. [I and the entire SFH Security Force accept this compliment, noting that we’re just doing our job with our usual professional dedication to duty.] 

Respectfully submitted on Thursday, September 8

It was obvious to me throughout their visit that Grandson’s #2 and #4 are strong young lads with a well-developed work ethic. They respect and honor their grandparents. I look forward to having them return and once more assist me the world-renowned SFH Chief of Security.

Below you will see the disappearance of a woodpile and the filling of a woodshed. The successful completion of the combined effort of grandfather and grandsons was celebrated by a most enthusiastic victory lap around the entire SFH estate.

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It is certainly important to note that Granny Blondie provided logistical support to the wood-moving crew. A highlight of the workday was her preparation of a total of 50 Godzilla Tongues (jalapeno poppers) in her new SFH TK air fryer. It was a memorable feast.