Let’s get straight to the point, if you mess with Serendipity Farmhouse, you’re messing with me. And, if you’re messing with me, your days are numbered.
There is a reason I am the Chief of Security at SFH, and that reason is not because I’m “Mr. Nice Guy.” My highest priority is the protection of SFH from all malicious intruders and individuals foolish enough to cause any harm to my beloved home.
As skilled, tough, and ornery as I am, I recognize that a good security chief needs a good deputy. I’m still working on that part. Several years back, I deputized Ol’ Fuzz Face. Despite all the nasty things I’ve said about him, there’s some real potential there. I rag on him because it’s a “guy thing”, sort of like Marine boot camp – the harassment can make a “man” out of you, if you can learn to take it. – – Fuzz Face tries his best.
Discipline and training are the hallmarks of the strict security regimen we have here at SFH. To understand what I mean, here’s a look at a typical day for me and my deputy:
0400 – Rise and shine! Fuzz Face and I hit the deck. I make first rounds to ensure the security and integrity of Serendipity Farmhouse
0410 – My next duty is to nip Fuzz Face’s kneecap with bared teeth. That’s the signal for him to give me some dry food. This is repeated a minimum of two more times. If Fuzzy is too slow in his response, the nip becomes a little more insistent and the teeth almost penetrate his epidermis.
0500 – With all secure and stomach filled, I take a nap.
0630 – I join Fuzz Face in the office and again nip him on the kneecap (sometimes the ankle works better). Fuzzy almost immediately hops to and brushes me for 15-20 minutes. Sometimes, I require that he trim my fearsome claws. Once grooming is complete, we spar for a while. This is more dangerous for him than for me. Over time, however, his reflexes have improved.
0700 – I make my rounds, persuade Blondie to give me a snack, and then settle in for another nap.
The remainder of the day continues in a similar fashion. During good weather days, I stand watch on the back porch and monitor the local bird population. Blondie cringes when I suggest that perhaps that population should be thinned a little for, ahem, security purposes. Fuzzy understands my intent and laughs. – – Blondie, however, has considered my offer when her beautiful grey vehicle has been the object of too much avian attention.
After Fuzz Face, finishes work, does his chores, and assists Blondie with the evening meal, he again belongs to me. – – There are two distinct security training activities in which he must participate.
2000 – 2100 Playtime is strictly for Fuzzy’s benefit. He needs the exercise and the one-on-one interaction tends to have a calming effect on him. If he accidentally misjudges one of my lunges with teeth and claws extended, he might suffer a little harm. But, all-in-all, playtime helps to relieve his tensions. It makes for a healthier human.
2100 – 2200 Hunting, stalking, and kill training are of the greatest benefit for my deputy. He needs to keep his defensive skills at their best. Using my stealth, agility, and superior armament, I help him to understand his areas of greatest vulnerability. This training is most effective just after Fuzz Face turns off all the lights in the house. More often than not, he hasn’t a clue of what hit him. – – As a side note, Blondie has watched this evening ritual for years and maintains an ample supply of band aids, disinfectant, and other medical supplies nearby.
As I said earlier, keeping my deputy trained and ready through insult and intimidation is a kind of “guy thing.” And it’s a two-way thing as well. Yep, Ol’ Fuzz Face has pulled a few tricks on me too.
I’ll leave you with a picture illustrating how I taunt him by pulling down his neatly stacked work gloves one-by-one to irritate him. Once he is properly riled, I take each of the gloves and proceed to administer the “kill” maneuver with my hind paws. That let’s Fuzzy know that I could have done the same to him if he were wearing those gloves. – – His response is to throw the gloves at me and watch my ears go back on my head in mock anger.
Yet, as mean and as hateful as this may sound, this game goes on. We at SFH have learned that this is the way you build and train an effective security force. – – So, let’s get straight to the point, if you mess with Serendipity Farmhouse, you’re messing with me and my deputy. And, if you’re messing with me and my deputy, your days are numbered.