I hoped that a day would never come when I would have to admit that a member of my security staff was a jackwagon. But the day did come. The truth is I hired, not one, but two rejects from namby-pamby land. Now it’s my job to square away these miserable jackwagons.
Hi! Mr. Monte here! – To my 23,417 feline followers, especially my many cat cousins residing in Virginia and Ohio, it’s time to talk.
You well know that I am an award-winning Chief of Security. I take great pride in the Serendipity Farmhouse Security Center. That’s why it’s doubly painful to report this black mark on my security career. – I will correct this breach in discipline and decorum.
Background & Fuzzy’s Charges
As you may recall in my post New Hire, I reported hiring Rusty the rat snake and the composition of my security staff.
Rusty rounds out our Security Department with his ability to identify and engage security threats at ground level and below. Meanwhile, Lightning, our broad-winged hawk, has secured the skies over SFH and Bronto the bear has ensured the integrity of our perimeter areas.
Things had been going pretty well on the security front. Or at least they were going well until Ol’ Fuzz Face came into my office a few weeks ago. His face was red. His breathing was heavy. He looked really angry. He confirmed my observation when he slammed his fist down on my desk.
I said, “Whoa! Hold on there, Fuzzy! What’s got you so worked up?”
He quickly responded, “I want you to fire that fat bear and that slimy snake right now! Either you get rid of them, or I’m going to throw all of your cat treats into the compost bin!”
It took a while for me to calm Fuzzy down. When he finally quit his rant and had collected his thoughts, he made his formal charges against Bronto and Rusty. – Although I usually don’t take Fuzzy very seriously, this time it appeared he had valid complaints.
Following are my official investigatory findings with regard to the charges brought against security staffers Bronto the Bear and Rusty the Rat Snake.
Charge: Skylarking – On or about September 3, 2023, some entity severely damaged the southeast corner of Vegetable Garden #1. – There being no other creature in the vicinity strong enough to inflict such damage, Bronto the bear is the prime suspect. Additionally, he has been implicated in similar crimes throughout Sperryville.
Charge: Littering and destruction of an SFH rental property – During the Summer of 2023 a rat snake occupied and caused malicious damage to the SFH Well House. There was evidence that several wild parties had been held there.
This photo shows that discarded snakeskin actually surrounds a key filtering component of the SFH water system. This filter must be replaced every three months. Ol’ Fuzz Face is responsible for this task. It is obvious that this littering and befoulment rendered the entire Well House a biohazard site.
Rusty the Rat Snake rents the SFH Well House, and the photos demonstrate that he has been exceedingly lax in cleaning the rental property. This is in direct violation of the rental agreement.
Captain’s Mast & Non-judicial Punishment
Based on the findings in the investigation of Fuzzy’s charges, I recognized that I had no choice but hold a Captain’s Mast for my two jackwagon employees. In the case of Bronto the Bear, the evidence was circumstantial but very compelling. – I found him guilty and suspended his pay for two months.
The case against Rusty the Rat Snake was open and shut. I had no choice but to dock his pay for six months and reduce him in rate to Security Officer Third Class. I advised him that if this happens again, he’ll be in for a general court-martial.
It’s a hard job, but it must be done.
As the SFH Chief of Security, I sometimes have to lay down the law. That not only goes for outsiders, but it also includes my security staff as well. This is not namby-pamby land, this is the reality of living at Serendipity Farmhouse. There is no place for jackwagons here!
If you want to know how I handle problems with my security staff, watch this video.