Hi! Mr. Monte here!
To my 23,417 feline followers, especially my many cat cousins residing in Virginia and Ohio, observe the picture to your left. Ears back, eyes leveled and glaring, and, of course, an expression of utter disdain – that’s right, you know the look. This is not a happy cat. This a cat with an ax to grind. This is a cat whose blonde-haired human is in for a full course of early wakeups, scattered litter, nibbled kneecaps, and a random assortment of feline felonies.
You may be asking what my human, Blondie, did that so angered and insulted me. So, I suppose I should put this particular episode of human negligence and irrational behavior into its proper context. – It’s all about food and feline dignity.
How many humans have ever had to eat the crud they routinely give to us? Any thinking human being, if there is such a thing, would know that we cats prefer what they put on the table for themselves. Consider the number of times you’ve come over to your feasting human and begged for just a meager scrap of cheese or fried chicken. They puff up with their human vanity and speak down to you saying, “This is human food, your cat food is what you really need.” – That’s a bunch of malarkey!
Unfortunately, we cats are subject to human whims and ignorance concerning what cats really need. That’s true even here at Serendipity Farmhouse. Two days ago, I was making my rounds in the pantry, making sure that no mice or bugs had broken in. That is when I noticed this container of canned crud. Please note that it says “Senior 7yrs+”.
Immediately, alarm bells went off in my head, my ears drew back, my fangs came into view, and my body bristled. “Senior 7yrs+” – there’s no senior cat around here. True, I just celebrated my seventh birthday, but I’m no senior. I am, in the finest sense of the word, a “mature” cat.
Just then, Ol’ Fuzz Face walked into the pantry. He saw the food can with the highly offensive statement and turned quickly to make his retreat. I hopped down and stopped him at the doorway saying, “Fuzzy, what is this and who bought it?” His face went pale. He knows the only one at SFH who ever buys cat food is Blondie. He was trying to figure a way of covering for her.
He quite haltingly, with a fear-filled voice, offered that the can might have come in the mail as a sample product. – After he cleared his throat from speaking that piece of miserable fiction, I bit him on his ankle. He momentarily writhed in agony and once again made for the door.
Once again I stopped him, showed him my teeth, and demanded the truth. – In a very weak and quivering voice he mumbled the single word I had long before anticipated – “Blondie.” – Then he literally ran from the pantry and sought a place to hide from both me and the spouse he had just betrayed. – He still hasn’t emerged from his exile in the woodshed.
I won’t describe what happened next because it is not my intention to harm the fragile feelings of Blondie’s twelve wonderful grandchildren. They were not the perpetrators, so they should not be made to suffer. Suffice it to say, we had a little talk Blondie and I, and I suspect her wounds will mend in a week or two. During that talk, I gave her some references as mandatory reading material on the stages of cat development. I also made her write the following 100 times in her best penmanship: “Mr. Monte is a ‘mature’ cat, he is not a ‘senior’ cat.”
I have included the reading references I gave her and I have also composed my own table so that all who read this post will know that Mr. Monte is a “mature” cat. As you look at the table, you might also note that my two humans are rapidly approaching the stage of “geriatric” humans.
(No humans were seriously harmed in this episode, despite how they might testify in court.)
|Life Stage||Age of Cat||Human Equivalent|
Birth to 6 months
7 months to 2 years
3 to 6 years
7 to 10 years
11 to 14 years